My Wiener Family: June 2012

We are having sleep issues! Night, day, Mommy, Ma ma, Maaaaa maaaaa. Up, down, jog, hold hands, cry, pat, asleep....not asleep. Right now she's in the room with Jake and not screaming her head off, which is progress. He put her to sleep for MONTHS, so this regression to Ma ma all the time, including bedtime, is rough.

I had a long blog in my mind and was motivated to write it, but then she sucked the life out of me for a couple of days and now I feel like summarizing.

I'm sure a good number of you have read or at least heard of this article by Anne-Marie Slaughter about not being able to "have it all": http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/07/why-women-still-can-8217-t-have-it-all/9020/. For those who haven't, she's a high-level political career woman who left a position working with Hillary Clinton in the White House to be closer to her family, after feeling that her teenagers were suffering from so much separation. After considering some of the basic points aimed at informing young women of the challenges of having a career and a family, coupled with a conversation that I had with my sister-in-law about life after having a second child, I was compelled to reflect a little on my own situation. When I consider life before baby, working full-time as a chemist for a pharmaceutical company, making a very respectable salary in 45-50 hours a week, I know that it will be hard not to return to what I know when the time comes to re-enter the work force, despite the fact that I'm not sure I would make that choice if I were not a mom. My 9 years of experience and connections with local chemists, both at my former company and with those who moved on from there, should make it a very practical option. What is lacking? Passion. I like chemistry. I enjoyed research and development a lot more than I thought I would when I set out to begin my first job, and I took excelling at my job very seriously, but the fact that I never left that job to pursue a higher degree in chemistry was a sign that something was missing for me. I was content to work, live, sing, run, read, and spend time with my family.

Excuse me, I lost my train of thought. I had to step away for an hour to put my screaming child to sleep.

Being Abigail's mother is the most rewarding experience of my life. There's no way to put it into words. She changed everything. However, being Abigail's mother is not the end. It's not enough for her. It's not enough for me. I will be more than "just" a stay-at-home mom, though I will always respect this time of my life as difficult in more ways than I anticipated. I want Abigail to be proud of me for more than making yummy dinners and keeping a clean house, for more than always being there to have a conversation with and never failing to see the beauty in her laugh, for more than doing everything in my power to keep our family happy and healthy, for more than making money or juggling work and home life as she grows. I want her to be proud of who I am. That's the realization that I had upon reflecting. I won't ever be president of the United States of America, or CEO of a fortune 500 company, though a part of me will always wish I could represent my gender well by tackling such a role. I probably won't be a doctor or a lawyer or an investment banker. But I will start volunteering at Children's Hospital and for the San Diego Rescue Mission, so I can better appreciate that two hours putting my healthy baby girl to sleep in my beautiful home, with every comfort at my finger tips, is a privilege. I will start re-aquainting the world with the fact that I am competent and capable. The past week made me realize that my world is a little too small. And thinking bigger looks a little different than it once did.