White noise misery

I am sitting at the living room table at 12:45 am finger picking words on my iPad.  I can hear white noise from three different locations in the house, Abigail's room, Elijah's room and my room, where Jake is sleeping with the monitor on so that he can tend to the baby when he wakes.  I just pumped enough milk to keep my skin from bursting and I'm sitting around feeling sorry for myself.  Jake asked if he could record me saying ridiculous things like "I don't want chocolate ever again, I just want to pick up my baby", and "you go to sleep, I'm never going to sleep again."

I made the mistake of mentioning sleep training on Facebook, knowing full well that I would receive all kinds of messages telling me about what I should do and how I am doing it wrong.  So now, for what it is worth, I will explain myself.  I know that I don't have to, but I want to.  Here's how it went down.

Elijah was a pretty good sleeper as an infant. He woke to nurse a few times each night, settled quickly , and stayed asleep for 12 hours or so, all things told.  The difference between him and Abigail was huge, and getting Abigail back to sleep in the night was actually a bigger challenge at almost three years old then the baby at the start.

Time wore on and he was still doing ok, but waking more frequently.  Naps became a big bummer, as he could not sleep past the 45 min mark and would not go back to sleep even if I rocked and shushed and nursed.  Abigail had impeccable timing and would occupy herself just long enough to burst in the room screaming about something or other as I finally got him settled.  Four 45 min naps turned to three and then to two, despite my very best effort.  Night time became a mess of me putting him to sleep at 6:30 and him waking up  five times before 11 pm.  He slept fitfully until I went to sleep and would only really sleep for more than 45 min when cuddled into me or laying on my chest.  With Abigail waking once or twice on a bad night I certainly wasn't sleeping much, but that's nothing new.

I honestly think that having children trained my body to live with only four or five hours of interrupted sleep.  I do fine. I stay up late to have time to myself when I could be sleeping.  I pulled an all-nighter a few weeks ago and was amazed at how much easier it was then when I was in college.  But I digress.
The point of the tangent is that I am not sleep training Elijah so that I can get more sleep.

Queue the time change and Elijah is upside down.  Even sleeping with me he is screaming most of the night.  He hates his swaddle, but can't sleep without it.  He screams in his swing, but can't be placed down in a crib or on the bed.  He pulls his head back and forth violently when I try to put the pacifier in his mouth, but feels better once he has it.  He suckles but doesn't eat and pulls off the breast every few minutes.  I warmed the bed with a heating pad, put his lovey near his nose, held him, rocked him, nursed him, slept with him in every position, sat in the rocking chair for hours.  My point is that HE was not sleeping.

Since Abigail took three years and the final elimination of naps to ever sleep 12 hours straight, I was already familiar with the sleep literature.  I already consulted with a sleep doula.  I know about sleep cycles and the best practices for encouraging good sleep.  I know my options and don't like them.

We chose with Abigial to enter the circus and do everything and anything to get her to sleep.  When she was 7 months old I had severe tendinitis in my arm/elbow because she napped in my arms for hours on end every single day.  She grew out of it and we moved on.  I felt like I was doing my very best.  I felt like a pretty good mom.  But of course she never learned to self soothe, and I know in a big way that is a disservice to her.  Instead of teaching her to sleep, I taught her to cuddle.  There are certainly worse things, and she's an amazing little being, but we did not lack for tears and frustration.  I had plenty of moments I am not proud of when trying to put Abigial to sleep and failing.  I would sometimes come out of her room after laying with her for two hours trying to get her to sleep and say that I was trapped  in a sleepy princess hell.  But then she says the funniest sleepy things, moves her stuffed Woody doll aside because, "I want to sleep next to you, Ma ma.", and again I feel
like I am doing it right.  But Abigail does not have a big sister, and this mom has to take care of both the seven month old and the three year old.

So I talked Jake into the Sleep Lady Shuffle.  You put a chair by the crib and soothe the baby verbally and with intermittent patting.  Eventually you move the chair further and finally out of the room.  The baby learns to sleep on his own.  Controlled crying, but still crying.  Let me tell you that I have cried more over this than any other mothering decision.  And I know my tears don't make his any easier.  I grieve for the nights of nursing and cuddling.  I want him to sleep with me, near me, to be my tiny baby as long as possible, but he's not sleeping.  He's not sleeping.

The silly thing about this very moment is that I am sobbing in a chair like an idiot.  My family is sleeping.  People do this all the time with much success and happy children.  I realize I am crying more for myself.  I just want to pick up my baby, right now, my baby who went to sleep tonight after 9 min of non-hysterical crying and has only woken twice so far to fuss for five minutes and then sleep some more.  Don't get me wrong, last night was hell, most directly for Jake and Elijah.  I couldn't have done it, but Jake stayed up all night and shushed and patted, wiped his sweaty head.  He's such a good daddy.  Then I did the daytime and it broke me inside.  I did it, because I am stubborn and I refuse to have my little person cry all night and not reap the benefits, but I feel terrible through and through.  I feel like I betrayed my son and myself.  I don't feel like a good mom.  God I am dramatic. Maybe it's time to end this epic post.

So it's only day two and I am a wreck.  Jake thinks this is the most amazing thing he's ever seen.  He feels a well-earned sense of accomplishment.  Elijah is sleeping and sleeping comfortably in his crib, when he cries a little shhhhhhhh helps him settle right down. Amazing.

Tomorrow my mom is coming for the day to help with Abigail, bless her.  I don't know if I can do it again, though I know I should.  We are more than just knee deep.  I'm off to pump more and break my vow to never sleep again.