We are having sleep issues! Night, day, Mommy, Ma ma, Maaaaa maaaaa. Up, down, jog, hold hands, cry, pat, asleep....not asleep. Right now she's in the room with Jake and not screaming her head off, which is progress. He put her to sleep for MONTHS, so this regression to Ma ma all the time, including bedtime, is rough.
I had a long blog in my mind and was motivated to write it, but then she sucked the life out of me for a couple of days and now I feel like summarizing.
I'm sure a good number of you have read or at least heard of this article by Anne-Marie Slaughter about not being able to "have it all": http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/07/why-women-still-can-8217-t-have-it-all/9020/. For those who haven't, she's a high-level political career woman who left a position working with Hillary Clinton in the White House to be closer to her family, after feeling that her teenagers were suffering from so much separation. After considering some of the basic points aimed at informing young women of the challenges of having a career and a family, coupled with a conversation that I had with my sister-in-law about life after having a second child, I was compelled to reflect a little on my own situation. When I consider life before baby, working full-time as a chemist for a pharmaceutical company, making a very respectable salary in 45-50 hours a week, I know that it will be hard not to return to what I know when the time comes to re-enter the work force, despite the fact that I'm not sure I would make that choice if I were not a mom. My 9 years of experience and connections with local chemists, both at my former company and with those who moved on from there, should make it a very practical option. What is lacking? Passion. I like chemistry. I enjoyed research and development a lot more than I thought I would when I set out to begin my first job, and I took excelling at my job very seriously, but the fact that I never left that job to pursue a higher degree in chemistry was a sign that something was missing for me. I was content to work, live, sing, run, read, and spend time with my family.
Excuse me, I lost my train of thought. I had to step away for an hour to put my screaming child to sleep.
Being Abigail's mother is the most rewarding experience of my life. There's no way to put it into words. She changed everything. However, being Abigail's mother is not the end. It's not enough for her. It's not enough for me. I will be more than "just" a stay-at-home mom, though I will always respect this time of my life as difficult in more ways than I anticipated. I want Abigail to be proud of me for more than making yummy dinners and keeping a clean house, for more than always being there to have a conversation with and never failing to see the beauty in her laugh, for more than doing everything in my power to keep our family happy and healthy, for more than making money or juggling work and home life as she grows. I want her to be proud of who I am. That's the realization that I had upon reflecting. I won't ever be president of the United States of America, or CEO of a fortune 500 company, though a part of me will always wish I could represent my gender well by tackling such a role. I probably won't be a doctor or a lawyer or an investment banker. But I will start volunteering at Children's Hospital and for the San Diego Rescue Mission, so I can better appreciate that two hours putting my healthy baby girl to sleep in my beautiful home, with every comfort at my finger tips, is a privilege. I will start re-aquainting the world with the fact that I am competent and capable. The past week made me realize that my world is a little too small. And thinking bigger looks a little different than it once did.
Smiling for Aunt Michele
Lunch with friends
Happy Father's Day!
Eating with Uncle Dave-o
Working on her upper-body strength
Eating blueberries at the beach with Da da
With her very best baby
The best way to capture Abigail these days is definitely on video:
Right now it's a beautiful Sunday evening; the sun is shining brightly and the temperature is perfect for a stroll. I just sent my family out on a "dadventure" to the beach, which is what we like to call any fun outing without Mommy. I would actually rather have gone along. At home I will simply do dishes, make dinner, switch the laundry, and make a list of things to get done after Abigail goes to bed and before I do. (I'll probably eat whatever chocolate there is in the house, too.) But Jake and I came to realize long ago that while quality family time is important, any sort of bonding between baby and Daddy really needs to occur in the absence of Mom. Poor Jake is not allowed to push the stroller, pull the wagon, hold the hand of the baby climbing on rocks, wash hands, change diapers, read books, get Abigail out of the car seat, or, heaven forbid, hold her while I am around. Her insistence on all things being done by Mommy not only limits Jake's access to his daughter, but leaves me exhausted and frustrated. When Jake is around Abigail won't do things that she normally does on her own. She won't get down and play while I cook dinner, or allow me to leave the room without complaint. We have some tricks that send her running into his arms (in addition to his natural charm, of course)--things I simply never do that she likes, so that she will go to her Daddy in order to do them. Sometimes her choice is to stay inside with Mommy or go outside with Daddy. She usually gives in and does what she wants in the end, but it's always a struggle. On Friday I left the house in Jake's car and parked it around the corner to read awhile in peace while they played, only to be discovered while they walked to the park. She looked at me through the window, trying to figure out if it was really me, and then started gesturing wildly in my direction. While I'm quite certain I would be sad if my child were indifferent to my presence, I don't think my current position can really be understood by anyone who has not personally experienced the same (of which I know there are many moms and dads). I am at once the prized possession and the pariah. I am the whole world, and sometimes I feel the weight of it on my shoulders.
To his extreme credit, Jake has never taken this situation out of context. He's never been angry with me or frustrated enough by the situation to sulk. He persists, relentlessly. When they are together without me, they have a fabulous time. They come home full of smiles and tell me all about what they did. They giggle and play and learn together. I'm so impressed by his ability to keep on trying through thousands of "no"s and dismissive "bye bye"s. We often spend time with Abigail sitting in my lap while I hold the book and we alternate reading pages to her. We take turns spinning her around, Ma ma's turn, Da da's turn, just to get him in there wherever we can. He's all love for her, and it's a beautiful thing.
Some recent Dadventures:
Carousel ride in Balboa Park (she is obsessed)
Bike ride in search of her favorite vehicles--tractors
Dinner at Daphne's
I know this is a phase, and I appreciate every hug, kiss, funny word, and post-sleep snuggle. But I wish I could go to the beach with my family this afternoon. That would be nice.
I simply can't express how much I love my little girl. She's so funny. Lately she's been singing constantly and dancing with her baby dolls. Here's a list of songs that she can "sing" (characterized by the fact that she says the same thing every time and I know what song she's referring to).
Title Abigail Version
Once Upon a Dream I know, I know (repeat)
Baby Mine Mine (repeat)
Twinkle Twinkle Little Star Babble with the correct number of syllables
The Wheels on the Bus Roun' roun' roun' (repeat and sing every time she sees a bus)
Baa baa Black Sheep Baa baa (repeat)
Happy Birthday Appa ir ay (with head wiggle, followed by blowing out the candles)
She has the cutest sing-song tone and she sometimes gets a few of the musical intervals correct. It just blows my mind how quickly she's learning, with new words every day, counting, colors, shapes. These concepts seem somewhat abstract to me when I consider that she's being exposed to them for the first time, but she powers through and has such a great memory. The human brain is incredible!
Come to think of it, the human body is pretty incredible too. Last Friday Abigail fell into a concrete wall and scraped the skin off of her chin. It looked terrible and she won't stop picking at it, probably because it itches. The pictures below are from right after and today, a week later. I'm amazed by how well it's healing. I want to have baby skin!
Yesterday was Jake's birthday, and Abigail was so, so cute. She was singing to him all day, handed him the present that she got him all wrapped up, helped him open his gifts, went to the aquarium with him (twice, actually), and was delighted to watch him blow out the candles.
Birthday-edition king cake
It was a great day for a certain Da da who wants nothing more than the love and affection of his little girl.
On Friday Jake took the day off of work and our very sweet neighbor watched Abigail while the two of us went off for a 2 hour bicycle ride. Jake can easily be described as an avid cyclist. He bikes whenever he can and enjoys closed course races as often as he can get away with entering. He loves the sport and even the maintenance and work that it requires. As for me, well, I have a pretty nice bike that I bought something like 4 years ago. I have ridden it fewer times than I have fingers. This past Friday I rode up Mt. Soleded twice on the 28.5 mile loop that Jake designed for this excursion. I'm sure you can gather from the name MOUNT Soledad, that this is no small ascent. The first time, at the start of the ride, the climb was not that difficult. I was out of breath, but had a lot of energy and sped up immediately upon reaching the flat. After riding through Mission Bay and down toward Ocean Beach, with a few stretches of riding as fast as possible on Jake's wheel, we turned around and added a loop on Fiesta Island before heading back up the mountain to get home. Jake told me that this way up would be long and boring, but easy. I said "easy for you", to which he replied "easy for anybody". Half way up the climb I told him that he was full of sh*#, but that was the worst of my cursing. This was a birthday gift, after all. In the course of barely surviving I had a lovely glimpse of why Jake enjoys riding so much. It was fun to watch his excitement, to see how easily he outstripped me when I would yell at him to go faster so that I wouldn't run into him (while he cruised along waiting for me to catch up). Happy Birthday, love. Thanks for always thinking I can do anything.
