Over the weekend we drove to Cal State San Marcos where Jake was competing in a circuit bicycle race. I noticed on Google maps that the cycling start/finish happened to be right above the track, so I came prepared to attempt a new workout with baby, hoping that Abigail would play in the long jump pit sand with toys while I ran repeats. I told her that she was going to cheer for mama first and then dada. I warmed up with the stroller in lane 8 for ~10 minutes. Abigail was thrilled to see a tractor on the grass adjacent to the track (helpful), and she was also excited to take off her shoes and run into what seemed like a huge sand box. I opted for my usual in-and-out 200s and asked Abigail to tell me when to run fast. She can't help but yell "doh!" whenever a start time is requested, whether it be the blender, vacuum, or a running start. Repeats 1-5 went pretty well. I had to stop after the fourth 200m run to play in the sand for 30 seconds and distract her. She whined/cried mama during repeats 6 & 7 (despite telling me when to go each time), so I picked her up, cleaned off her hands, gave her some dried apples and decided I could only do 8 today. Not so bad. After a 15 min baby-jogging cool down we settled in to watch the bicycle race. I wish I had taken a picture of her on the track, but I left the camera in the car.
Hydrating
Serious spectator, with strawberry face
Go da da go = doh da da doh
She was too busy waving at her shadow to look at the camera
We came home for nap time and then headed over to a potluck in the evening. It was a really fun Sunday.
This morning Abigail and I were babysitting one of her best little buddies while her mother went to the dentist. She was gone for less than an hour, during which time the two munchkins mostly chased each other from outside to inside, from one bed to another (to jump, of course), all the while wearing socks on their hands as makeshift puppets and matching clothes (since Abigail was not yet dressed when her friend arrived and wanted to wear the same color shirt).
When the clean-toothed mom arrived back at my house her daughter proposed a beach outing, which Abigail quickly seconded, resulting in two toddlers and a basket of sand toys rolling down to the beach in our radio flyer wagon. We spent a good hour and a half getting wet, climbing rocks, shedding clothes, applying sunscreen, and generally enjoying the amazing La Jolla beach weather.
This summer has been incredible, and I can't properly express how much I love Abigail's beach play time. We meet friends there, walk down to waste an hour, stroll by in the evening just to walk off dinner. I love living at the beach.
We are having sleep issues! Night, day, Mommy, Ma ma, Maaaaa maaaaa. Up, down, jog, hold hands, cry, pat, asleep....not asleep. Right now she's in the room with Jake and not screaming her head off, which is progress. He put her to sleep for MONTHS, so this regression to Ma ma all the time, including bedtime, is rough.
I had a long blog in my mind and was motivated to write it, but then she sucked the life out of me for a couple of days and now I feel like summarizing.
I'm sure a good number of you have read or at least heard of this article by Anne-Marie Slaughter about not being able to "have it all": http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/07/why-women-still-can-8217-t-have-it-all/9020/. For those who haven't, she's a high-level political career woman who left a position working with Hillary Clinton in the White House to be closer to her family, after feeling that her teenagers were suffering from so much separation. After considering some of the basic points aimed at informing young women of the challenges of having a career and a family, coupled with a conversation that I had with my sister-in-law about life after having a second child, I was compelled to reflect a little on my own situation. When I consider life before baby, working full-time as a chemist for a pharmaceutical company, making a very respectable salary in 45-50 hours a week, I know that it will be hard not to return to what I know when the time comes to re-enter the work force, despite the fact that I'm not sure I would make that choice if I were not a mom. My 9 years of experience and connections with local chemists, both at my former company and with those who moved on from there, should make it a very practical option. What is lacking? Passion. I like chemistry. I enjoyed research and development a lot more than I thought I would when I set out to begin my first job, and I took excelling at my job very seriously, but the fact that I never left that job to pursue a higher degree in chemistry was a sign that something was missing for me. I was content to work, live, sing, run, read, and spend time with my family.
Excuse me, I lost my train of thought. I had to step away for an hour to put my screaming child to sleep.
Being Abigail's mother is the most rewarding experience of my life. There's no way to put it into words. She changed everything. However, being Abigail's mother is not the end. It's not enough for her. It's not enough for me. I will be more than "just" a stay-at-home mom, though I will always respect this time of my life as difficult in more ways than I anticipated. I want Abigail to be proud of me for more than making yummy dinners and keeping a clean house, for more than always being there to have a conversation with and never failing to see the beauty in her laugh, for more than doing everything in my power to keep our family happy and healthy, for more than making money or juggling work and home life as she grows. I want her to be proud of who I am. That's the realization that I had upon reflecting. I won't ever be president of the United States of America, or CEO of a fortune 500 company, though a part of me will always wish I could represent my gender well by tackling such a role. I probably won't be a doctor or a lawyer or an investment banker. But I will start volunteering at Children's Hospital and for the San Diego Rescue Mission, so I can better appreciate that two hours putting my healthy baby girl to sleep in my beautiful home, with every comfort at my finger tips, is a privilege. I will start re-aquainting the world with the fact that I am competent and capable. The past week made me realize that my world is a little too small. And thinking bigger looks a little different than it once did.
Smiling for Aunt Michele
Lunch with friends
Happy Father's Day!
Eating with Uncle Dave-o
Working on her upper-body strength
Eating blueberries at the beach with Da da
With her very best baby
The best way to capture Abigail these days is definitely on video:
Right now it's a beautiful Sunday evening; the sun is shining brightly and the temperature is perfect for a stroll. I just sent my family out on a "dadventure" to the beach, which is what we like to call any fun outing without Mommy. I would actually rather have gone along. At home I will simply do dishes, make dinner, switch the laundry, and make a list of things to get done after Abigail goes to bed and before I do. (I'll probably eat whatever chocolate there is in the house, too.) But Jake and I came to realize long ago that while quality family time is important, any sort of bonding between baby and Daddy really needs to occur in the absence of Mom. Poor Jake is not allowed to push the stroller, pull the wagon, hold the hand of the baby climbing on rocks, wash hands, change diapers, read books, get Abigail out of the car seat, or, heaven forbid, hold her while I am around. Her insistence on all things being done by Mommy not only limits Jake's access to his daughter, but leaves me exhausted and frustrated. When Jake is around Abigail won't do things that she normally does on her own. She won't get down and play while I cook dinner, or allow me to leave the room without complaint. We have some tricks that send her running into his arms (in addition to his natural charm, of course)--things I simply never do that she likes, so that she will go to her Daddy in order to do them. Sometimes her choice is to stay inside with Mommy or go outside with Daddy. She usually gives in and does what she wants in the end, but it's always a struggle. On Friday I left the house in Jake's car and parked it around the corner to read awhile in peace while they played, only to be discovered while they walked to the park. She looked at me through the window, trying to figure out if it was really me, and then started gesturing wildly in my direction. While I'm quite certain I would be sad if my child were indifferent to my presence, I don't think my current position can really be understood by anyone who has not personally experienced the same (of which I know there are many moms and dads). I am at once the prized possession and the pariah. I am the whole world, and sometimes I feel the weight of it on my shoulders.
To his extreme credit, Jake has never taken this situation out of context. He's never been angry with me or frustrated enough by the situation to sulk. He persists, relentlessly. When they are together without me, they have a fabulous time. They come home full of smiles and tell me all about what they did. They giggle and play and learn together. I'm so impressed by his ability to keep on trying through thousands of "no"s and dismissive "bye bye"s. We often spend time with Abigail sitting in my lap while I hold the book and we alternate reading pages to her. We take turns spinning her around, Ma ma's turn, Da da's turn, just to get him in there wherever we can. He's all love for her, and it's a beautiful thing.
Some recent Dadventures:
Carousel ride in Balboa Park (she is obsessed)
Bike ride in search of her favorite vehicles--tractors
Dinner at Daphne's
I know this is a phase, and I appreciate every hug, kiss, funny word, and post-sleep snuggle. But I wish I could go to the beach with my family this afternoon. That would be nice.
I simply can't express how much I love my little girl. She's so funny. Lately she's been singing constantly and dancing with her baby dolls. Here's a list of songs that she can "sing" (characterized by the fact that she says the same thing every time and I know what song she's referring to).
Title Abigail Version
Once Upon a Dream I know, I know (repeat)
Baby Mine Mine (repeat)
Twinkle Twinkle Little Star Babble with the correct number of syllables
The Wheels on the Bus Roun' roun' roun' (repeat and sing every time she sees a bus)
Baa baa Black Sheep Baa baa (repeat)
Happy Birthday Appa ir ay (with head wiggle, followed by blowing out the candles)
She has the cutest sing-song tone and she sometimes gets a few of the musical intervals correct. It just blows my mind how quickly she's learning, with new words every day, counting, colors, shapes. These concepts seem somewhat abstract to me when I consider that she's being exposed to them for the first time, but she powers through and has such a great memory. The human brain is incredible!
Come to think of it, the human body is pretty incredible too. Last Friday Abigail fell into a concrete wall and scraped the skin off of her chin. It looked terrible and she won't stop picking at it, probably because it itches. The pictures below are from right after and today, a week later. I'm amazed by how well it's healing. I want to have baby skin!
