It's Time

Well, I need to wean Abigail.  I thought I would be jumping for joy, closing up the milk bar, happy to have my body back to as normal as it's going to be...but I'm not.  

First let me be clear, I'm not doing this because she is a year old and that's what people in the United States consider the ideal amount of time to nurse, despite the fact that most of the world uses this great nutritional resource more frequently and for longer.  I would have been among those saying that one year is the maximum amount of time for nursing before I had my own child, but things change, and nursing is a personal as well as a health choice.  It's not for all mothers or families.  

I'm also not doing it because I'm inconvenienced.  We nurse at 10:30 am to go down for a nap, at 3 pm for a snack, at 7 pm for bedtime, and as needed in the night.  On Monday I was at a shopping mall at 3:15 pm and in the span of 10 minutes in the back seat of my car (with tinted windows) I nursed the baby, changed her diaper, and set her happily in her seat, ready to go on to the next activity.  It's easy, wonderful, nutritional, and she loves it.  She laughs with glee when I sit her in my lap and reveal her favorite food source.  I love the bond we have forged and my ability to help her grow into a tall, strong, happy baby.  So what's the catch?  Why am I feeling that I need to make this change now?

AS NEEDED IN THE NIGHT

My little one nurses to sleep.  She didn't for a long time, actually.  She used to nurse and then rock to sleep, but when she stopped allowing the swaddle (at 9 months, believe it or not, she loved it until then) she started relaxing to sleep at the breast.  Now she falls asleep for her one nap of the day and for bed while nursing.  I don't mind this at all--it's very easy, but I'm told by one and all that it's the primary source of our nighttime sleep problems.  Saying she doesn't sleep through the night is an understatement.  She gets up frequently.  She sleep for 3-4 hours in her own crib (not necessarily uninterrupted) starting around 7 pm, then comes to bed with us until she awakens for the day between 5:30 and 6:15 am.  When we lived in our old town house I used to sleep on a separate bed in her room since it was two stories down from our room and I'd climb down from the lofted bed every time she cried and stay up until I got her back into the crib.  I thought bringing her to our bed would help me get more sleep.  In our new house we bought a king sized bed and a frame that's really low to the ground.  But now she knows that she will come to our bed, so she's harder to soothe back to sleep in the first few hours of sleep which occur in her room.  The nights vary widely, but I think she wakes up crying more frequently than ever and is becoming dependent on the suckling not just to fall asleep but to stay asleep.  

So here are my two reasons for believing now to be the time: 1.) I'm convinced she will sleep longer and better, and 2.) we brush her little teeth before bed and then I nurse her all night--not ideal.

I might get all the broccoli out, but she still needs to avoid sugars on her teeth while sleeping.

Honestly, I have no clue what I'm doing.  This task is so daunting and feels like the end of peace in my life.  She does NOT want to drink whole milk (she spits it out).  She does NOT like to go to sleep.  She does NOT sleep for long periods, so what I seem to be facing is a week (at least that's what people say) of hell, though I'm certain it will be longer.  I know, I know, some of you will say I should just suck it up and let her cry it out, and my pediatrician would certainly agree with you, but I can't, and Jake and I agree on the topic.  I seriously understand why people do use that method and I am glad for them if it works and their children sleep well.  But removing that as an option for personal reasons, I hardly even know where to start.  I read that I should give her a snack right before bed and then just lay her in her crib.  Ha.  I mean, that's just comical.

Wish me luck.


Today's park and beach expedition:

Her favorite--baby Kathleen, stolen from my mother

Stopping to eat a tomato while shopping on the grass

Ditching the cart to come see Mama

Feeding baby Kathleen some corn

One handed, though she really doesn't need it at all

On the way UP

Handing Mommy some sand

Asking to go in the water

One

A picture summary of Abigail's first birthday party at La Jolla Shores Beach Park in San Diego:

Toddler cupcakes for our special girl

The barbecue and hanging out setup--the weather was absolutely perfect

Me and Abigail with Alice and Matthew

Vinny chillin' in his chair

Jerry (Jake's dad), Barbara (Jake's mom), my dad (Dan), and Dorothy (Jake's aunt)

My Pop with the birthday girl

Smiling!

Michele and Denise in her ridiculous hat showing Vinny the inflatable crab toy

My Mom and Barbara showed up wearing the same beach hat, so we took a  Grandma picture

Singing happy birthday

She didn't really eat the cupcake, but she wanted to feed her  Dada 

Real cupcakes for the adults

Not sure what to think of the cupcake, but the blueberry was good

My brother David being a punk about the toddler cupcakes

Debi and Miles

Abigail eating dinner

David making fun of Denise's hat

Little David looking adorable

Abigail playing peek-a-boo with her auntie

Showing off her mad vacuuming skills

More vacuum options

Loving some new toys

Photos of the birthday party courtesy of my sister, Michele.  Thanks!

On Abigail's actual birthday Jake took the day off and we went to the aquarium as a family.  This is the only picture I got where she looks remotely interested in the fish, but we had a great day spending time together.  In the late afternoon we had a professional photographer take pictures of our family at the beach.  If you aren't on Facebook, here's the public link: http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.2081727597569.2112746.1076430897&l=3967d15233&type=1

To My Abigail

100 Things I love about you on your birthday—the list goes on and on

1. Your cheeks get round when you grin at me.
2. Your voice is so sweet when you say “Ma (pause) Ma”.
3. You talk to me all day long in grunts and giggles.
4. You dance intensely while reaching toward an ipod dock as a signal that you want me to turn on the music so you can dance some more.
5. The subsequent knee bending, chest bumping dance, with the occasional head banging session is amazing.
6. The noise you make when hugging one of your favorite dolls is heart-melting.
7. You clap for yourself after I’ve been clapping for you, since you don’t want it to stop.
8. This clapping usually occurs when you have a huge mouth full of broccoli which you almost always show to me before swallowing.
9. Your little hand reaches around the side of the car seat, knowing that I will give you something to play with.
10. You take interest in everything and everyone.
11. You reach for your Pappy’s house while eating, because you know he’s in there.
12. Your tongue sticks out at me in jest anytime we see a mirror.
13. You endlessly desire to be thrown onto the bed and climb off yourself only to be thrown on again.
14. You crawl into the closet and wait there until I call your name over and over again, so you can stick your head out and laugh.
15. You love vacuums.
16. You carry your baby doll around by the neck.
17. You reach your hand out to find me as you’re about the fall asleep, just to make sure I’m still there.
18. Your face is peaceful and perfect when you’re finally asleep in my arms.
19. You emit a delighted squeal when you see any dog, anywhere.
20. You crawl quickly down the hallway with your daddy in fast pursuit.
21. You giggle loudly when I kiss your belly, pealing laughter.
22. You have an opinion about which hat I put on you when we go out to play.
23. You ask to stop swinging at the park so that you can switch from one swing to the other.
24. You go down the slide only to get off the bottom and pile sand on the end of it.
25. You always throw your toy over the edge before you climb off of something, making sure that it landed before you descend.
26. You love blueberries so much that if you see them in the grocery cart you will reach for them until I feed some to you.
27. When you find something on the ground that shouldn’t be there, like trash or lint, you pick it up and hand it to me.
28. You reach for the ocean not just because you love it, but because you want to get wet.
29. When I hit on the right song to amuse you in the car you break out into a huge grin.
30. You push on the bar of the stroller with your feet the entire time you ride.
31. When you find a toy that you really love you always hold it out for me to kiss, sometimes over and over again.
32. You love your rubber ducky.
33. You eat more hummos than most adults.
34. You love Paul Simon’s Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard and Raffi’s Oats and Beans and Barley Grow.
35. When something is going on that you really enjoy you look around to make sure whoever is with you is listening or seeing what you love—you have the greatest “are you seeing this, Mom?” look.
36. You love the lawn mower and happily sit on the other side of the grass watching as I push it around.
37. You love the tree in the front yard and want to touch it every day.
38. Your wave is adorable and is often used successfully on truck drivers and fire trucks.
39. You have really impressive hearing and are very observant.
40. You love clocks.
41. You love the Neff family photo that is hanging in the dining room.
42. When you wake up from a really good nap you want to hang out in your crib and hug your dolls and coo at me before I pick you up, then we cuddle in the rocking chair.
43. You have a sealed bottle of vitamins that is your best rattle “shake-a shake-a shake-a”.
44. You love rubber spatulas and toothbrushes.
45. You kick your feet against the back seat of the car because your legs are already too long to be rear facing.
46. You’ll walk in arms almost anywhere, but you are rarely happy about strolling.
47. You like the garage (maybe because that’s where the lawn mower lives).
48. You love to knock over domino towers.
49. You also love to put dominoes into buckets, baskets, toys, drawers…anywhere.
50. When you want to give something to me you will often wait patiently for me to finish whatever I’m doing with your hand and the item extended in the air.
51. You love watermelon and strawberries.
52. You never want to be in our room unless the ceiling fan is moving.
53. You touch my wedding rings daily, just because you like them.
54. You like to bounce in the doorway hanging bouncer that we own, but when you want to get out you get so excited that you bounce up and down even more fervently.
55. You and your father go back and forth saying “aaaaa” with wide open mouths.
56. You always hug and kiss your baby or George doll when I suggest that you do so.
57. When you’re really, really asleep you let your arm hang limp down toward the ground, before doing so you often reach underneath your back and hold my hand.
58. You wave your arm around when you are dancing.
59. You love to run and chase with me or daddy carrying you and the other doing the chasing.
60. You look under things, like tables and beds, lying on your belly.
61. You used to play hide and seek just by looking away from me and then turning your head back quickly…you’ve graduated to closets and peeking around corners while standing.
62. You splash and play happily in the bath.
63. You use your brush to comb the entire bodies of your dolls.
64. When I try to use train noises to convince you to eat something I say “chugga chugga chugga chugga choo choo” and you stick your tongue out at me and laugh…but you don’t take a bite.
65. You always want to feed yourself unless you are on a mad rush to eat yogurt, at which time you might polish off an entire container in consecutive bites, or when you see a bowl of grated cheese—then you want handfuls shoved into your cute mouth, and you push the remaining strands in with your hands.
66. When I finally give you cheerios or puffs at the end of a meal (I wait because otherwise that’s all you would eat) you get excited and shove three or four into your mouth before throwing the rest on the ground and watching them fall.
67. You rarely give me kisses on the mouth, but you always smile and laugh when I kiss your neck and you never refuse a hug.
68. I’m pretty sure you like to wear hats when outside, unless they limit your visibility.
69. You swing HIGH like a big kid (in a baby swing).
70. You get very excited when you see me in the morning, after your daddy time and my nap.
71. You like to be held in front of pictures to check them out…and you especially like to look at pictures of YOU.
72. You pull all the cards and money out of my wallet—it’s one of the most reliable ways to keep you happy in the car.
73. You eat cheerios off the floor whenever you find them.
74. You never smile at strangers unless they earn it with a game of peek-a-boo or a silly smile.
75. You love to roll a whiffle ball around the house.
76. You love to go places, as long as the drive is not too far.
77. You like Tylenol bottles, lotion, body wash, sunscreen…anything I probably shouldn’t give you becomes your favorite toy.
78. You like to open and close the wipes container, but you rarely take the wipes out.
79. When you give me a book that you want me to read you make a little grunting noise under your breath as I open it and get started…then you give me a different book half way through and insist that I switch.
80. You love the sonicare toothbrush.
81. You have a toy tool set and you take the screws and put them straight into your mouth—that’s pretty much all you do with them.
82. You love grass, dirt and getting wet.
83. You are very excited to go wave at the trash truck with your daddy, almost as excited as daddy himself.
84. When we talk about not eating things like dirt and grass you listen and then raise the item to your mouth over and over again without inserting it, just to see what I’ll do.
85. You love to pull all the books off any shelf you can reach.
86. Your eyes are deep, curious, and perceptive.
87. You have a brown spot in your right eye and a birthmark on your right elbow that make me feel like I know you better than anyone else
88. When you were very, very young I had to go to the emergency room, so we were separated for most of one day.  Your dad brought you in periodically so you could eat, but it was absolutely miserable.  The first time you saw me you let out a little sigh and fell straight asleep on my lap, instead of eating like we desperately needed you to.  It was terribly sad and so sweet at the same time.  I am grateful and honored to be your comfort.
89. You don’t sleep a lot but you’re rarely cranky because of it.
90. You love to play with my phone, but when it rings and I ask for it back you always give it to me.
91. You look SO cute in your little gdiapers.
92. When sleeping in bed with us you roll back and forth from parent to parent in the night.
93. You love to turn pages in books and will sometimes sit alone and do this for long periods of time.
94. You drink from straws of all sorts and really love water.
95. You have a cup with a Minnie Mouse head that you feed choice morsels when it’s sitting on your tray during mealtime.
96. You look into my face several times a day, just getting my attention and checking me out.  The sweetness of that look is overwhelming.
97. You always surprise me with your adaptability.
98. You have an independent streak already.
99. You love to play with buttons, especially on my clothing.
100. You fill my life with sunshine. 

I love you more than anything, Miss Abigail Jane.  Happy 1^st Birthday!

Your Mom

S.O.S.

My little sick baby turned into an infant insomniac.  The last two nights in a row (and twice while she was still feverishly sick) she has awoken between the hours of 1 am and 3 am and insisted on staying AWAKE for several hours, despite our most thorough efforts to put her to sleep.  You name it, we've probably tried it.  One night she went for two separate 45 minute drives (I use classical music, white noise, singing or silence; Jake uses Dandy Warhols or Thievery Corp), another night she drove for an entire hour, then nursed for 20 minutes in the dark with her usual wave sounds to lull her to sleep and she still screamed unless she was allowed to crawl and play.  Last night I was quite sure she was going to take her first steps at 3:30 am and I almost went to wake Jake up to see it.  I've tried all stages of darkness, laying her in the crib with and without her favorite dolls, nursing, rocking, rocking in the chair, sitting in the window seat, singing, shushing, sleeping in our bed, sleeping in the crib, laying on the floor with pillows, drinking from a cup instead of nursing, walking around the block in the stroller, driving, driving and more driving.  I'm sure there are more attempted sleep aids, but I can't remember them because I'm so exhausted.  As a result of this nighttime wakefulness, Abigail has been taking lovely, 2.5-3.5 hour naps (this from the child who used to take two 30 minute naps in an entire day, but more recently has been taking one nap of 1.5-2 hours pretty consistently).  I haven't had the heart yet to actively wake her up from napping, since she's getting less sleep overall than usual, though I have prevented her from falling back asleep after a nice long nap numerous times and we haven't been putting her to bed before 7 pm, which is a pretty normal bedtime for her.  I think I'm maturing in my role as a mother because I don't really feel like a failure.  I just feel tired and wish I could figure out the trick to this phase of baby.  Is she doing this because we let her stay up once or twice while she was sick so that she wouldn't cry herself into vomiting?  Is she trying to master the skill of walking and just can't rest until she gives it a try?  Is she napping to long?  Does she have painful gas from eating too much broccoli?  Does she have an ear infection? (The answer to that is no, as per this morning's doctor's appointment.)  She can't be doing this to get our attention or be closer to us, because she wakes up from sleeping in between us in bed, with access to nursing if she wants it, and that's still not good enough.  How long will it last?  What do I do next?  I wish there were answers, but I know there's just advice.  Unfortunately, most of the advice is that she needs to "cry it out", which is simply not going to happen.  I guess we'll have to forge our own way.  I just wish that path involved a little more sleeping.

Eating a plum

Favorite doggie

Fun with whiffle ball during normal daylight hours

LOVES to vacuum

These sunglasses are hilarious